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Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s `Del Amor y Otros Demonios’ : An Unwritten History of a People and Land
Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s `Del Amor y Otros Demonios’ : An Unwritten History of a People and Land
Gabriel Garcia Marquez maintains that he writes history, not fiction, that his novels are about the unwritten history of his people and land. Needless to say, the fantastical context in which his stories unfold, and which constantly defy readers’ credulity, make the Columbian novelist’s contention quite hard to accept. How is it possible to read One Hundred Years of Solitude as the history of the Columbian banana massacres of 1928, or Del Amor y Otros Demonios, as the history of colonialism and the true story of Saint Cajetan of Thiene and his well-recorded relation with the Augustinian nun, Laura Mignani? Yet, Marquez has repeatedly affirmed that his works are historical, that they tell the history of events as they were seen, understood and remembered by those who lived through themOfficial Columbian, Latin American history, as Marquez has persistently and repeatedly maintained, is a watered down version of the truth; it is a history written by, and for, those in power, designed, not to preserve the truth but, to sustain the power holders of the present and preserve the legend and memory of those of the past. Official history, within the parameters of such concerns, is a politically motivated re-telling of the truth which deliberately displaces the people, those who have lived through and experienced history and, challenges the national memory. As Marquez has often said, his works are designed to resurrect the true history, the version of history which official history has tried to bury. As such, he encourages readers to approach his works as realistic and truthful renditions of historical events. In Del Amor y Otros Demonios, the focus of this research, Marquez quite openly demands this of his readers. Just in case they fail to comprehend the narrative as the `true’ history of the interrelationship between the church and colonialism, between religion and the immiseration of countless of innocents, he alternately alludes to and explicitly names real historical characters. Few of his Latin American readers would not recognise Cayetano as a clear allusion to Saint Cajetan and, his protagonist’s surname, Delaura, as a reminder of his relationship with Sister Laura Mignani; a relationship which is echoed by Cayetano and Sierva Maria’s.
Should readers, despite their fantastical context and content, accept Marquez’ narratives as history, which Shaw concedes they could very well be, they need to reserve judgement on the manner in which Marquez remembers, interprets and presents history. Indeed, Marquez does not simply engage in the transmission of an alternative version of history but deconstructs official history in the process. His doing so, however, should not be interpreted as a disregard for, and a displacement of, fact but of the presentation of fact from within the magical realist context. Although the presentation of fact through the medium of a magical realist narrative persistently challenges the reader’s credulity, an analysis of the theoretical and definitional parameters of the genre, followed by a close textual analysis of Del Amor y Otros Demonios from within the matrix of magic realism, with specific focus on his treatment of place, dreams and memory, will lend to the conclusion that Marquez’s narratives represent a history as remembered and told by the people; a history infused with myth and supposition but, a history nonetheless.
As a literary and artistic genre, magic realism is apparently plagued by its insistent use of supplementation as a literary strategy for the improvement of the realist text. The boundaries framing realism so constrained many artists and burdened them with the nagging difficulty of how to compromise between realism and their own creative desires and inclinations that the movement towards magic realism was instigated. Supposedly, this genre expresses both the seen and the unseen realities, the historical memories which make and shape a people and the myths and superstitions which dominate their worldview. Magic realists contend that realism never allowed them the leeway to express reality’s multiple dimensions, further asserting that, as a linguistic and literary medium, it constrained their creativity. Magic realism supposedly overcomes realism’s boundaries and limitations and seems to displace its predecessor’s shortcomings through the conveyance of textual apparitions, ephemeral and ambiguous themes and images which cast a confusing and somewhat dark shadow over everyday life and its most mundane tasks. The magic realist text is, itself, somewhat akin to a fantastical apparition which, even as readers recognize the magical imagination which informs it, detect its underlying realism. In essence, the magic realist have been able to achieve this effect, have succeeded in enveloping readers in an alternate world where myth and history co-mingle and the boundaries between fact and fiction are fluid, because they have determinedly sought the overcoming of textual limitations. Magic realists, in other words, and chief amongst them Jorge Luis Borges and Gabriel Garcia Marquez, have contributed to the supplemental discourse that is magic realism through the infusion of a sense of textual magic in their own narratives.
Although the rationale behind the term `magic realism’ is evident from the above stated, it has been the subject of controversy and disagreement ever since it was first introduced by Franz Roh in the 1920s. Referencing a “counter-movement” in art wherein “the charm of an object was rediscovered” by expanding the parameters of realism,magic realism eventually found its home among the Latin American writers. Their almost instantaneous attraction to, and embrace of, magic realism was engendered by their conviction that they had finally found an artistic genre which allowed them the creative expression of the “marvellous reality” particular to their own culture, history and world view.
In order to better comprehend the implications of the asserted while, at the same time, contextualise magic realism vis-à-vis realism, it would be useful to define the latter in relation to the former. According to Roh, realism’s reliance on history was transformed into a dependency upon myth and legend by the magic realists; its mimetic style was replaced by both the fantastic and supplication; the familiarity which realism engenders among readers was displaced by de-familiarity within the context of magic realism; realism’s empirical and logical perspective was, almost violently, set aside for mysticism and magic; realism’s narrative style was replaced with meta-narration and its commitment to closure and reduction was exchange for open-ended expansiveness; realism’s naturalism became magic realism’s romanticism and its proclivity for framing the narrative within a rational cause and effect structure was replaced with imagination and negative capability. Indeed, the one appears the very antithesis of the other culminating in magic realism’s transforming “daily life into eerie forms.”
In tracing the rise of the genre in Latin America and, indeed, in defending its adoption by many of the continent’s creative artists, Flores assets that it was engendered by the “effort to account for a narrative that could simply be considered fantastic.” Magical realist narratives do “not depend either on natural or physical laws or on the unusual conception of the real in Western culture,” because it is a text “in which the relations between incidents, characters, and settings could not be based upon or justified by their status within the physical word or their normal acceptance by bourgeoisie mentality.” Even while conceding to the fantastic within this genre, Luis Leal, however, maintains a distinction between fantastical literature and magic realism:
“El realismo mágico no puede ser identificada ni con literatura fantástica ni con literatura sicológica, pero tampoco con el surrealismo o la literatura hermética que describe Ortega. Realismo mágico no se vale, como el sobrer-realismo, de motivos oníricos; tampoco desfigura la realidad o crea mundo imaginados, como lo bacín los escriben literatura fantástica o ciencia ficción; tampoco da importancia al análisis sicológico de los personajes, ya que no trata de explicar las motivaciones que los hacen actuar o que les prohíben expresarse.”
The variances in boundaries only serve to exemplify the difficulties inherent in defining magic realism. Indeed, unlike other genres, whether classicism, romanticism or realism, magic realism defies definitional delimitations, just as it does the persistent attempts of critics to pin it down.
Magic realism may be an autonomous and viable literary genre but the interrelationship between surrealism and magic realism has led to confusion regarding the boundaries between them, especially as magic realists have exhibited a proclivity towards the production of works which echo both. Alejo Carpentier, one of the leading Latin American magic realists, for example, can quite validly be categorised as a surrealist. In his insistence upon the “marvellous American reality,” Carpentier betrays the Latin American preference for an ontological outlook towards the textual enterprise, an outlook infused with both surrealism and magic realism. As Eschevvaria writes,
“The Latin American writer preferred to place himself on the far side of the borderline aesthetics described by Roh – on the side of the savage, of the believer, not on the ambiguous ground where miracles are justified by means of a reflexive act of perception, in which the consciousness of distance between the observer and the object, between the subject and that exotic other, generates estrangement and wonder.”
Some, as Carpentier, have interpreted this borderline as a shared and fluid boundary with surrealism while others, such as Borges and Gabriel Garcia Marquez have interpreted it as an explicit demarcation between magic realism and surrealism. Indeed, while Marquez succumbs to the concept of magic realism as fundamentally expressive of the inherent Latin American fantasia and, within the context of his narratives, constantly investigates and interrogates the very notion of the `real,’ he departs from surrealism and, instead, embraces a super-realism which becomes his brand of magic realism.
As a magical realist who seeks the expression of the super-real, Marquez employs a wide array of supplemental strategies for the intensification of the textual forces which enter into the production of a narrative which totters between realism and fantasy; which expresses an unreal reality wherein fact becomes fiction and myth becomes history but which, paradoxically enough, allow the reader an identification of the real and draws him/her into the text by weaving a sense of familiarity, even as it repels him/her from the narrative through de-familiarity. Consequently, when Shaw writes of Del Amor y Otros Demonios that “even if it is true, as [Marquez] has insisted […], that everything he has written is based on reality, we have to avoid jumping to conclusions about his treatment of [reality].’ We should not judge the text for what we may see as the distortion of reality and the deconstruction of history but need to evaluate it on its own terms, terms set by Marquez and by the genre which he embraced. Illustrating the stated through an analytical discussion and textual analysis of Del Amor y Otros Demonios, with specific focus on the use of imagery, the extent to which Marquez creates a shadowy world of reality intermingled with fantasy, a world in which myth and history alternate complement and challenge one another, shall be exposed.
In immediate comparison to modern and post-modern literature wherein writers afford little time or space to the description of place, Gabriel Garcia Marquez devotes considerable time to the precise and articulate description of place. Indeed, critics have maintained that Marquez-ian place is the focal point of his literary productions insofar as they play a profound role, not in the delimitation of the story’s locus but, in the development of plot, theme, character and, most importantly, the creation of symbols and myths. Del Amor y Otros Demonios exemplifies this wherein the aforementioned are expressed within the matrix of a complex interplay of multivalent narrative elements where images of place coalesce with visual-spatial imagery to produce a complex matrix of symbolic space which simultaneously defines and borders the narrative’s ethical and affective values.
Telling the hi-story of the eighteenth century Marques de Casalduero’s twelve-year old daughter, Sierva Maria de Todos los Angeles, Del Amor y Otros Demonios is, in essence, the story of confused familial and marital relations, distorted relations between man and religion and male and female. It is, to a degree, an other-worldly narrative which manages to deeply shake and disturb readers because, within the context of its repulsive defamiliarisation, it is familiar. The Marquez is described as follows:
“no daba señales de nada. Creció con signos ciertos de retraso mental, fue analfabeto hasta la edad de merecer, y no quería a nadie.”
His wife, who had chased him prior to marriage for the sole purpose of having a child is “para atraparlo por vida,”and later, “se había borrada del munda por el abuso de la miel fermentada y las tabletas de cacao.”Within the matrix of the described familial unit and the characters and relationships which dominate it, Sierva Maria is practically abandoned, and grows up in her father’s courtyard among his African slaves, speaker their language and worships their gods.
One day, while visiting the market, Sierva is very slightly nipped in the ankle by a rabid dog. The wound, nothing more than a scratch, heals but the local Catholic bishop persuades the Marquez that his daughter is, indeed, infected with rabbis, and that the former is nothing other than a dreaded manifestation of demonic possession. As don Torbio de Caceres y Virtudes tells the Marques, “entre las muchas astucias de demonio es muy frecuenté adoptar la apariencia de una enfermedad inmunda.”Sierva Maria is subsequently locked up in the convent, in preparation for her exorcism. There she meets the priest assigned to her exorcism and, unaccountably, the two fall in love. Their affair, which in typical Marquez-ian fashion, is never consummated, is discovered and culminates in padre DeLaura’s being defrocked, and subjected to a lifetime of service at the local leprosarium. Trapped in a straitjacket, a shaved, purged and emaciated Sierva Maria endures five days of exorcism but tragically dies just before the sixth. Within the context of the stultifying atmosphere of colonial Cartagena, described as ” sumergida en su marasama de siglos,” this fantastical, super-real tragedy unfolds in a triad of place, which arguably symbolize the trinity: the Casalduero mansion (the father), bishop Toribio de Caceres’ palace (bishopp as son of God, the earthly, and distorted, embodiment of Christ and his message); and the Convento de Santa Clara (the Holy Spirit) where, after enduring five days of intense torture (comparable to Christ’s scourging) Sierva Maria’s spirit is released.
Whereas the plot unfolds from without the Casalduero mansion, all of plot, theme and character development are inextricably linked to this particular locus. As readers discover, the mansion “había sido el orgullo de la cuidad hasta principios de siglo. Ahora estaba arruinada y lóbrega, y parecía en estado de mudanza por los grandes espacios vacíos y las muchas cosas fuera de lugar … todo estaba saturado por el relente opresivo de la desidia y las tinieblas.” The negative impression, communicated in the quoted passage, is later fortified through repeated references to the mansion as “la tenebrosa mansión”and “la casa sórdida” to name but two examples. In various passages and phrases, such as the quoted, the mansion is depicted, not as an inanimate structure but as a dark force which not only casts a sinister shadow on all within it but, on its surroundings as well. Indeed, by describing the house as sinister, sordid, tenebrous and lazy, to name but a few of the adjectives used, Marquez is effectively defying the reader’s classic conceptualisation of mansions as brick, stone and mortar and seeks a projection of the aforementioned as a sinister and autonomous entity whose tentacles spread to touch those around it with misfortune and ill-fate. When Sierva Maria ventures just outside the house and is slightly nipped by a dog, setting in motion the tragedy which follows, the reader finds himself slowly descending into a state of belief; he finds his protective armour of disbelief gradually dissipating and begins to question, although hesitatingly, whether indeed, the house commands a sinister presence and has the power to touch those in its vicinity with ill-fate. Marquez is slowly drawing us into his world of magical realism.
That the mansion commands those within and without it, that it influences their psychological development, shapes their personality and determines their state of mind, is affirmed and reinforced through multiple passages in the narrative. The way in which Bernarda and Ygnacio react to Servia Maria’s troubles is communicated through their choice of dwelling within the mansion itself. Ygancio, feeling that he is losing control of his family and life attempts to regain control through a failed attempt to assume control over the house, “ël marques … anuncio … su determinación de asumir con mano de Guerra las riendas de la casa.”His life, which is wildly slipping out of his locus of control, is symbolically represented by the house which is, or has, similarly fallen from beyond his control. Interestingly, however, in the quoted expression of his determination to regain control of his house, and by association, his life, military imagery is used, effectively depicting the house as a wild and fierce entity which has to be violently conquered. Indeed, the linkage between both his house and his life slipping from beyond his control, reaffirms earlier suspicions that the mansion is exerting a dark and mysterious influence over events and once the house is conquered, the Marquez life will be, once again, ordered. This is not an inanimate object but a dangerous and sinister entity. Hence, the Marquez reacts to his daughter’s troubles by inadvertently maintaining the mansion’s culpability, seemingly believing that the resolution of the first lies in assuming control over the second. Marquez is not only stretching the readers’ imagination but is challenging us to enter into the narrative’s superreal world and, in so doing, embrace Coleridge’s `willing suspension of disbelief.’
Bernarda similarly reacts. She initially attempts to distance herself from the troubling events which are unfolding by locking herself in her room, by isolating herself from her external surroundings. It is a useless endeavour as the problem lies, not with the outside world but, with the house. Therefore, she eventually leaves the mansion “para no volver.”
Just in case readers fail to comprehend just how menacing a force the mansion is, Marquez suggests that the house murdered Sierva Maria’s mother, the Marquez’ first wife. One day, while on the asylum terrace, perfecting her musical skills as she is accustomed to doing, Dona Olalla is struck dead by a bolt of lightening. In response, the Marqués “se refugio en la hamaca … bajo los naranjos del huerto.”The house kills his first wife, drives his second wife away, destroys and kills his daughter and, quite literally, lays him, the Marques, on his back. Hence, images of the reclining Marquez are repeated throughout the novel.
The mansion is not just the locus of action but a sinister and malevolent force whose decaying, dark and disordered nature influences the personalities and fate of those who dwell within it. On the most elemental of levels, the decrepit mansion mirrors the decrepit Marquez and, as a symbol of colonial politico-economic power, is infused with multiple symbols and contrasting motifs. Indeed, the mansion symbolises both exile and displacement, and freedom and enslavement, to name but two of those contrasting motifs. More importantly, all of the mansion’s inhabitants, the Marquez, his two wives and his daughter, undergo periods of voluntary and involuntary exile, as allowed or imposed upon them by the mansion itself.
The second locus of action, the palacio is as malevolent and shadowy as was the mansion. Described as “el mas antiguo de la ciudad,” it is comprised of ” dos pisos de espacios enormes y en ruinas.” Its dark corridor, the palacio’s main vein, is full of “hasta la fachada imponente de piedra labrada y sus portones de maderas enterizas revelaban los estragos del abandono.” Full of dark, empty and uninhabited places, readers are told that “el resto del edificio eran once aposentos clausurados, donde se acumulaban los escombros de dos siglos.” The palacio, therefore, is not only largely uninhabited and deserted but it repels life. Full of the rubbish of the centuries, it embraces the dead, the rotting and the decaying while it repels life, vitality, the present and the young. It should not be forgotten that the decision to exorcise Sierva Maria, to sap the life out of her, was made at the palacio and by its similarly decaying resident, the bishop.
Just as the mansion affected its inhabitants, the palacio affects its resident. The bishop, like the Marquez, is seemingly controlled by his place of dwelling; its decaying and polluted air is mirrored within the depths of the bishop’s very being and compels him to condemn life and love. Furthermore, just like the mansion did with the Marquez, the palacio effectively drains the life and will out of the bishop and, quite literally, lays him on his back, whereby, in many of the scenes where he figures, the bishop is in a reclining position.
The palacio, just as the mansion, is not a mere inanimate dwelling but a dark and shadowy force which casts a sinister influence and effect upon those who reside within it and come into contact with it. The palacio, quite literally, repels life and functions as the locus from which life is condemned and the young are claimed for torturous exorcisms. Marquez does not give his readers the opportunity to ignore either locus or the comfort of regarding them as structures of mortar, stone and brick. They are infused with a powerful and highly malevolent life force which affects the actions of their inhabitants and thus, makes them responsible for the tragedy of lost life and love which follows.
The third locus of action, the convento de Santa Clara, is where Sierva Maria finds both love and death. The readers’ initial impression of it is both negative and disturbing:
“Había relámpagos y truenos remotos en el horizonte, el cielo estaba encapotado, y el mar áspero. A la vuelta de la esquina les salio al paso el conventote Santa Clara, blanco y solitario, con tres pisos de persianas azules sobre el muladar de una playa.”
Again,
“Al final de todo, lo mas lejos posible, y dejado de la mano de Dios, había un pabellón solitario que durante sesenta y ocho anos sirvió de cárcel a la Inquisición, y seguía siéndolo para clarisas descarriadas. Fue en la ultima celda de ese rincón de olvido donde encerraron a Sierva Maria …”
As evident in the quoted passages, the convent is depicted as a sinister force, overlooking the city below. It is a fortress in which life is imprisoned and gradually drained. Indeed, as it watches over the city, and observes the inhabitants below, it seemingly selects its sacrificial victims, drawing on their life force to retain its own vitality. The passing historical reference to the Inquisition is highly disturbing, all the more so when Marquez reminds his readers that Sierva Maria is imprisoned in one of the convent’s forgotten corners and will soon, in the name of religion, be subjected to the same torture and agonizing death that the Inquisition’s victims had suffered centuries earlier. In these passages and many others, the convent, thus, emerges as the penultimate force of darkness; a living entity which has, across the centuries, claimed countless of innocent lives for its own sustenance. Sierva Maria is just one in the convent’s long line of victims.
Sierva Maria attempts to challenge the convent by bringing life, love and light to its dark cells. When padre Cayetano, her exorcist/inquisitor, first enters her cell, it “exhalo un vaho de podredumbre” as Sierva María was “generaba su propio muladar.”However, she is the force of life and love in this place and soon, Padre Cayetano falls in love with her. When that happens, the cell “ella mantenía la celda limpia y en orden para cuando el llegaba con la naturalidad del marido que volvía a casa.” She affects a transformation in her surroundings and during the exorcism is, at one point, able to temporarily defeat the bishop, the senatado. Indeed, she engages in a shouting match with the bishop, causing him to fall from his chair, although she is, hersekf, tied down, emaciated and terrified. Servia Maria is able to temporarily halt the exorcism ritual, stay her own death: “se derrumbo de bruces, como un pescado en tierra, y la ceremonia termino con un estrépito colosal.”
Sierva Maria battles the convent itself, the sinister force which it represents. While she is ultimately loses the war, her love and life, she does win a couple of battles. The interplay between the convent and Sierva Maria only confirms the reader’s ever-deepening suspicions regarding this place; it is not an inanimate architectural structure but something immensely more sinister. As he repeatedly does throughout the narrative, Marquez forces the reader to question the limits of his/her own conceptualisation of the real; to engage in the interrogation, not just of the concept but, of their own understanding of it. Indeed, as occurs countless times throughout, he wretches away our disbelief and draws us into a world in which `unseen’ realities are visibly, and disturbingly, clear.
Proceeding from the above, the reader can quite safely assume that places, as recalled and presented by Marquez, appear as the very antithesis of fact and history. The sinister life given to the three places described, the three loci of the narrative’s action, cannot be true and, to even suspect a grain of truth to any of this, the reader must do one of two things. He/she must either suspend disbelief or make a distinction between the types of memories from which history is produced. Both Bergson and Proust maintained that the memory which informs official history is distinct from that which informs works of fiction. The one is a voluntary and conditioned memory, in which things are remembered sequentially while the other is an involuntary memory where things are remembered in a disjointed manner, often lending to the formation of remarkable associations between diverse events and the imposition of fantastical/mythical interpretations upon them. Marquez, similar to all magical realists, opts for involuntary memory, lending to the presentation of a history which defies the official national memory and the limits of our credulity. Were readers, however, to suspend their disbelief and realise that Marquez’ presentation of the three loci, and his projection of them as sinister beings as opposed to inanimate structure, mirrors the way in which involuntary memory informed the manner in which events were recollected and passed down across the generations, we may very well begin to understand that Marquez’s presentation of place, as discussed above, is not as incredulous as it should be.
That Marquez’s narrative and his presentation of reality, of fact, emerge from within the parameters of involuntary memory, infused with the earlier discussed elements of magical realism, is informed by involuntary memory and is affirmed through the dream image which occurs three times in the narrative. This image, which appears to Delaura in the form of a dream, prior to his meeting with Sierva Maria, is immediately linked to the unfortunate young protagonist:
“Delaura había sonada que Sierva Maria estaba frente a la ventana de un campo nevado, arrancando y comiéndose una por una las uvas de un racimo que tenia en el regazo. Cada uva que arrancaba retoñaba en seguida en el racimo. En el sueno era evidente que la niña llevaba muchos anos frente a aquella ventana infinita tratando de terminar el racimo, y no tenia prisa, porque sabia que en la ultima uva estaba la muerte.”
As is ultimately revealed, the window through which Sierva Maria looks out onto the frozen fields is the window of the Salamabca seminary from which Delaura and the bishop used to, years earlier, look out of onto the same scene. Later, when incarcerated in her cell awaiting her exorcism, Sierva Marie makes a passing remark which indicates that she has had that same vision/dream. As she tells Delaura, “He conocido la nieve,”further explaining that in one of her dreams, “estaba frente a una ventana donde caía una Nevada intense, mientras ella arrancaba y se comía una por un alas uvas de un racimo que tenia en el regazo.”The reader experiences an incomprehensible déjà vu; Sierva Maria is not only describing Delaura’s dream image but is claiming it as her own, using many of the same words and descriptors which Delaura had earlier employed. When the dream image reoccurs for the third and final time, it heralds Sierva Maria’s imminent death:
“… volvio a sonar con la ventana de un campo nevado, donde Cayetano no estaba ni volveria a estar nuncia. Tenia en el regazo un racimo de uvas doradas que volvian a retonar tan pronto como se las comia. Pero esta vez las arrancaba una por una, sino de dos en dos, sin respirar apenas por las ansias de ganarle al racimo hasta la ultima uva.”
Granted that in this version of the dream, as dreamt by Sierva Maria, there is a small variation on the original, the main point here is that dreams and images are co-mingling. Delaura’s dream is shared and repeated by Sierva Maria and, testing the limits of credulity even further, the place within which the dream unfolds is real for Delaura but imaginary for Sierva Maria.
This cannot be history and can hardly be categorized as factual or realistic yet, Marquez insists that, as with all his narratives, it is. Indeed, he even frames the story within a factual context. The Prologue is clearly dated 1949 and depicts the reporter/narrator as recounting his visit to the Santa Clara convent, which was being converted into a luxury hotel and there, witnessing the opening of crypts and being witness to an amazing discovery in one of them:
“… una cabellera viva de un color de cobre intenso se derramo fuera de la cripta. El maestro de obra quiso sacarla por completa con la ayuda de sus oberos, y cuanto mas tiraban de ella mas larga y abundante parecía, hasta que salieron las ultimas hebras todavía prendidas a un cráneo de niña … extendida en el suelo, la caballera esplendida media veintidós metros con once centímetros.”
The narrator then tells of a mythical tale his grandmother spoke of when he was a child; the legend of “una marquesita de doce anos cuya cabellera le arrastraba como una cola de novia, que había muerto de mal de rabia.” The discovery made in the crypt puts a new twist on the legend. The discovery is factual evidence that the grandmother’s legend was not a mythical tale, after all, but history which, due to its incredulity, was told as fiction.
A new reporter, a source of authority and credibility, is the narrator of this fantastical tale; the reporter tells us that a corpse has spouted hair and that hair is a heavy mane of rich copper. We begin to wonder whether, indeed, any of this can be true. Throughout the narrative, this question constantly repeats itself, ultimately taking us to the point where we can no longer separate fact from fiction, history from myth. Marquez insists that this is history and, as recounted, we disturbingly suspect that this may, indeed, be fact/history.
Throughout the narrative, history mingles with myth and facts become coterminous with history. Shaw tells us that Marquez insists that he was writing facts and warns us against jumping to hasty conclusions regarding his treatment of them. On the literary and theoretical levels, we understand that history and facts were conveyed through the devices particular to magic realism. On another level, however, we come to understand that reality is far more complex than we can ever imagine it and that history speaks only of the believable facts, and excludes those which the generations could find unbelievable. As Shaw advices, no hasty conclusions regarding Marquez treatment of fact and history shall be made but we may, nonetheless, affirm that reality is like an iceberg whereby only an eight is visible to the naked eye, and the remainder is shrouded beneath icy and unfriendly deep waters.
Bibliography
Echevarria, Roberto Gonzales. Alejo Carpentier. Texas: University of Texas Press, 1990.
Flores, Angel. “Magical Realism in Spanish American Fiction,” Hispania, 38 (1955).
Monegal, Rodríguez. “Lo Real y lo Maravilloso en El Reino de Este Mundo,” Revista Iberoamericana, 37(1971).
Posaa-Carbo, Eduardo. ”Fiction as History: The bananeras and Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ One Hundred Years of Solitude,” Journal of Latin American Studies, 30, 2(1998.
Roh, Franz. German Art in the 20th Century . New York: Greenwich, 1968.
Shaw, Donald. A Companion to Modern Spanish American Fiction. London: Tamesis, 2002.
Toukey, Ann. “Notes on Involuntary Memory in Proust.” The French Review, 42, 3 (Spring, 1974).
Zuluaga, .Conrado. Puerta abierta a Gabriel Garcia Marquez: aproximacion a la obra del Nobel colombiana. Barcelona: casiopea, 2001.
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Help for the Partners of Sex Addicts
HELP FOR THE PARTNERS OF
SEX ADDICTS
Frequently Asked Questions
(FAQ’s)
byDorothy C. Hayden, LCSW
What is sex addiction?
Sex addiction is an obsessive relationship to sexual thoughts, fantasies or activities that an individual continues to engage in despite adverse consequences. These thoughts, fantasies or activities occupy a disproportionate amount of “psychic space”, resulting in an imbalance in the person’s overall functioning in important areas of life, such as work and marriage. Distress, shame and guilt about the behaviors erode the addict’s already weak self-esteem.
Sexual addiction can be conceptualized as an intimacy disorder manifested as a compulsive cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, sexual behavior, and despair. Central to the disorder is the inability of the individual to adequately bond and attach in intimate relationships. The syndrome is rooted in early attachment failure with primary caregivers. It is a maladaptive a way to compensate for this early attachment failure. Addiction is a symbolic enactment of deeply entrenched unconscious dysfunctional relationships with self and others.
While the definition of sex addiction is the same as that of other addictions, sexual compulsion is set apart from other addictions in that sex involves our innermost unconscious wishes, needs, fantasies, fears and conflicts.
Like other addictions, it is relapse prone.
While there currently is no diagnosis of sex addiction in the DSM-IV, clinicians in the sex addiction field have developed general criteria for diagnosing sex addiction. If an individual meets three or more of these criteria, he/she could be considered a sex addict:
1. Recurrent failure to resist sexual impulses in order to engage in compulsive sexual behaviors.
2. Frequently engaging in those behaviors to a greater extent, or over a longer period of time than intended.
3. Persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to stop or control those behaviors.
4. Preoccupation with sexual behavior or preparatory activities. (rituals)
5. Frequent engaging in the behavior when expected to fulfill occupational, academic, domestic or social obligations.
6. Continuation of the behavior despite recurrent social, financial, psychological, or marital problems that is caused by the behavior.
7. Giving up or limiting social, occupational or recreational activities due to the behavior.
8. Distress, anxiety, restlessness or irritability if unable to engage in the behavior.
9. Distress, anxiety, restlessness or irritability after he/she does engage in the behavior.
How do I know if my partner is a sex addict?
Sometimes, it’s difficult to know whether someone close to you has an addiction. The addict might hide the addictive behavior or you might not know the warning signs or symptoms.
Here are some of the signs and symptoms:
* Staying up late to watch television or surf the Web .
* Looking at pornographic material such as magazines, books, videos and clothing catalogs .
* Frequently isolating themselves from spouses or partners, and doesn’t inform
them of their whereabouts .
* Are controlling during sexual activity or have frequent mood swings before or
after sex .
* Are demanding about sex, especially regarding time and place .
* Gets angry if someone shows concern about a problem with pornography
* Offers no appropriate communication during sex
* Lacks intimacy before, during and after sex, and offers little or no genuine intimacy in the relationship
* Does not want to socialize with others, especially peers who might intimidate them
* Fails to account for increasing number of toll — 800 or 900 — calls
* Frequently rents pornographic videotapes
* Seems to be preoccupied in public with everything around them
* Has tried to switch to other forms of pornography to show a lack of dependency on one kind; concoct rules to cut down but doesn’t adhere to them
* Feels depressed
* Is increasingly dishonest
* Hides pornography at work or home
* Lacks close friends of the same sex
* Frequently uses sexual humor
* Always has a good reason for looking at pornography (Psych Central.com).
Why can’t he/she control his/her sexual behavior?
It’s important for you to know that your partner is not volitionally involved in these behaviors so you can begin to understand and, perhaps, forgive. Most addicts would stop if they could.
It’s been said that of all the addictions, sex is the most difficult to manage. This syndrome is a complex mixture of biological, psychological, cultural, and family-of-origin issues, the combination of which creates impulses and urges that are virtually impossible to resist. Despite the fact that acting them out produces considerable long-term negative consequences, the addict simply cannot resist his/her impulses. Individuals who are highly disciplined, accomplished and able to direct the force of their will in other areas of life fall prey to sexual compulsion. More importantly, people who love and cherish their partners can still be enslaved by these irresistible urges.
From a biological standpoint, research has shown that certain formations in the right temporal lobe make certain individuals more prone to sexual arousability from birth. Whether or not such an individual becomes sexually compulsive or perverse then depends on the child’s home environment.
Research has also shown that the inability to control sexual impulses is associated with neurochemical imbalances in the norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine systems. The use of certain anti-depressants (SSRI’s) has thus shown to be very effective in treating the impulse control problems of many sexual compulsives.
Biological predisposition contributes and combines with psychological factors. One of the reasons the “erotic haze” is so compulsory is that it is an unconscious but maladaptive way to repair earlier disturbed, anxiety-laden relationships. It shores up an inadequate sense of self which results from these early-life interpersonal abandonments, intrusions and misattunements.
This combination of biological and psychological factors results in an “affective disorder” in the sex addict. Feeling of depression, anxiety, boredom and emptiness are quickly alleviated by immersing oneself in an imaginary world that provides novelty, excitement, mystery and intense pleasure. Sex addiction is better than Prosac. It heals, it soothes, it contains, it provides a “safe place” free from the demands of actual performance, and it gives an illusory sense of belonging. The sense of empowerment in the illicit sex act rectifies “holes in the soul” and lifts the addict from feelings of inadequacy, insufficiency, depression and emptiness into a state of instant euphoria.
Relinquishing this very special (but delusional) mental and physical state can result in a sense of withdrawal which may include mood swings, inability to concentrate and irritability. These symptoms usually disappear in therapy as the sense of self is solidified and he finds more creative ways to deal with uncomfortable feelings.
What are the effects of cybersex addiction on the relationship?
Effects of sex addiction on the sex addict’s partner can be numerous, encompassing a wide range of emotions and reactive behaviors. The sexual codependent’s experience is similar to, but not thoroughly identical to, a codependent person in a relationship with a substance abuser. A codependent partner of a drug addict or alcohol, for example, may manage to understand and even sympathize with her partner’s alcohol problem due to the lesser social condemnation.
But a compulsive addiction that involves engaging in sexual activities on the computer or outside of the home inflicts a psychic injury of ultimate betrayal. Sexuality goes to the heart of who we are.
Arguable, one purpose and outcome of cybersex is to detach and disconnect sexual experience from real relationships in life. Cybersex’s primary stimulus to autoerotic behavior produces profound disconnection of the sexual experience from relationship context and meaning. Compulsive viewing of pornography, for instance, in no way supports or fosters intimate, attachment-linked sexual gratification, anchored in emotional connection, intimate responsiveness and relationship fidelity.
Cybersex addiction reinforces a non-intimate, non-relational, and non-demanding sexual experience — a detached, disconnected physical arousal geared to the self-engrossed preoccupation typical of addictive sexual behavior. Cybersex entrenches emotional, psychological and spiritual/existential disconnection of sexuality from relationship context. Entrance into the “erotic haze” that encompasses the sex addict induces sexual arousal, climax and resolution without real relationship attentiveness, responsiveness, or commitment – the key dimensions of a loving attachment.
The behavior directly undermines trust in the couple’s relationship. Thus, the sexual dynamics depicted in cybersex are inherently detrimental and destructive to secure attachment that is essential to a sense of trust in the relationship.
It is also reasonably anticipated that a husband’s deception and lying – the existence of a “secret world” apart from the primary relationship is an overlapping, yet also separate detrimental influence upon relationship trust.
For some women, this lack of trust in their husband’s word – leads to uncertainty about the “substance” of the man they married, uncertainty about his true identity and a change in their perception of his identity – that of seeing him as fundamentally untrustworthy and of disreputable character. Thus, their internal model of their husband changes.
Others may feel that the husband is unable to fulfill marital expectations of emotional intimacy and companionship. They talk about not trusting that their husband would fulfill the role of being someone who could provide emotional support. They feel unable to turn to their husbands for this emotional support for different reasons: fearing she would trigger a relapse; feeling rejected because of his involvement in computer sex; sensing her husband’s inability to provide emotional support; being shamed by a husband’s angry or dismissive response from her attempts to reach out for support and companionship; or resolving that her husband was emotionally preoccupied with his own struggle with addiction.
The addict’s use of cybersex causes self doubt and lowered self esteem in the spouse. These women feel they aren’t pretty enough or skinny enough, or whatever. In any event, the feel that they are not what their husbands want. Some feel that if they were more sexually desirable, he wouldn’t have this problem. Sometimes, in a frantic effort to compete with unreal women on the internet or with prostitutes, they go to extremes with cosmetic surgery, breast implantation, excessive exercise – in the mistaken belief that if she can lure him back sexually and her husband would stop being interested in pornography and the marriage could be redeemed.
Some spouses feel that her husband’s use of internet pornography is a direct attack on her self-worth. They start doubting themselves. They doubt their self-worth. They start doubting the things that used to make them feel special and meaningful. Because if she had any meaning, why was he doing what he’s doing?
The wife is often stunned, confused, and in extreme pain upon discovery
of the sexual/cybersex addiction. Anger and resentment can be overwhelming. For many
partners, the addict’s betrayal can precipitate trauma that resembles post-traumatic stress disorder.
A wife can believe that sex is the most important way to express love, so her partner’s sexual acting out can leave her feeling deeply inadequate and unlovable.
Within the union, the partner’s low self-esteem can contribute to anxiety
and fear of being abandoned. Often she will set aside her moral values and tolerates
participating in sexual behaviors with her partner which are unacceptable or even repugnant to her. She feels too unworthy to have solid sexual boundaries. She mistakenly believes that she can stop his acting out if she satisfies his (insatiable and unrealistic) sexual needs.
A surprisingly common effect reported by many partners – after the shock of discovery -
is the feeling of losing one’s mind. Obsessing about the details of the sex addict’s
betrayal, repeatedly confronting her partner with “evidence” of infidelity and being told she’s “crazy” or “just jealous” results in a loss of focus and an inability to concentrate. Fear and anger aggravate the condition. Furthermore, there is an element of intense shame for both addict and sexual codependent attached to sexual addiction, especially if his interests involve an object, cross-dressing, dominance and submission or children. She isolates herself from friends, family and community due to her shame, which provides fertile ground for depression. In some situations, the partner is brought to a point of absolute despair.
Some maladaptive strategic responses the sexual codependent may engage in as a means of coping include excessive alcohol consumption, food binges, excessive house cleaning, and overtime career activity; acts that can serve as distractions from her distrust, pain and hostility. Distractions, of course, provide only a temporary and false “relief” and often create more problems than they solve.
When the partner’s anger and resentment are suppressed over a period of time, they
eventually explode in a volcano of rage, blame, and furious criticism of the sex addict.
The explosion of frustrated emotions can open a door to enormous guilt and remorse, so the partner may forgive the addict’s offenses and not stand clear in setting boundaries for herself. The result is an unfortunate snare for the couple, in which the partner unwittingly enables the sex addict to carry on with his unacceptable pattern of sexual acting out.
The converse is true regarding the emotional influences on the wife. She may turn inward, withdraw, stay silent and distant. This can include withdrawing from any sexual activity with the addict. These stonewalling behaviors can ignite strong feelings of shame and rejection in the sex addict. In a way, the partner succeeds in punishing the sex addict through these behaviors. But the price of this punishment may be a return to his active addiction as a way to deal with conflict at home.
A tremendously debilitating effect on the partner is to assume all responsibility for the
addict’s sexual acting out, and even for all of the problems in the relationship. The
sex addict may exploit this to his advantage, perpetuating self-doubt within the partner.
For example, the partner may confront her spouse with evidence of a transgression, like a credit card charge to a hotel, but the sex addict is skillful and experienced in deception. He will boldly challenge the partner’s credibility, suggesting she see a “shrink” for being so paranoid and suspicious of him. He can persuasively feign righteous indignation, causing his partner to distrust her own instincts and perceptions, even in the face of tangible evidence.
The self doubt can plague the partner, aggravating her confusion and contributing to the feeling of “losing my mind”. Not wanting to continue to feel “crazy”, she may retreat into denial, the basic and most fundamental defense mechanism for both partner and addict. When in denial, she will believe the addict’s lies, however far-fetched they may be. She will accept the unacceptable. Whichever lies the sex addict offers to cover up his addiction, she is compelled to “not rock the boat” in order to assuage her abandonment fears.
What are the characteristics of a sexual codependent?
Firstly, let’s consider what codependency is. Codependency is an overworked and overused word and definitions can be confusing. At core, it revolves around a deep fear of losing the approval and presence of the “other”. This underlying fear can result in manipulative behaviors that overfocus on maintaining another person’s presence and approval. Control, obsequiousness, anger, caretaking, and being over-responsible are among the behaviors that can be the manifestations of codependent behavior. Because of dysfunctional family-of-origin issues, codependents learn to react rather than respond to others, take responsibility for others, worry about others, and depend on others to make them feel useful or alive.
Codependence also refers to the way events from childhood unconsciously produces attitudes and behaviors that propel people into destructive relationships in the present. The self worth of the codependent comes from external sources. They need other people to give them feelings of self-worth. Codependence is a particular relationship with one’s self in which the person doesn’t trust his or her own experiences. Lacking the inner boundaries necessary to be aware of and express their true wants, feelings, goals and opinions, they are “other-validating”. Having only a reflected sense of self, they constantly seek affirmation and validation from other people because they are unable to endorse and validate from within. “Self-validating” people are able to do this. Co-dependents often focus on an addict’s sobriety as a way to achieve a precarious sense of self- consolidation. Sadly, their behavior often perpetuates the loved one’s addiction.
Codependent people believe they can’t survive without their partners and will do anything they can do to stay in the relationship, however painful. The fear of losing their partners and being abandoned (once again) overpowers her ability to make decisions in her own best interests. The thought of addressing the partner’s addiction can be terrifying: they may be frightened of igniting the partner’s anger which can result in feeling emotionally flooded by (childhood) fears of loss.
The sexual co-dependent suffers from additional symptoms: driven by the potential loss of the relationship, which she sees as identical with her very identity, some women engage in sexual activities with their partners that they find distasteful or even morally repugnant – all in an effort to keep him home and happy. However, this type of fantasy-based acting out may not be based on her real sexual needs and desires and opens the way to turning his partner into yet another object. Certain kinds of sexual acting out can turn sex into another fix for him. The partner senses this, making her sense of sexual betrayal even more poignant.
In couples where one partner is ciphering off his erotic energies from the primary relationship, there are invariably problems with the couple’s own sexual expressiveness. He becomes sexually demanding. She expresses her resentment about this by not being sexually responsive. He may lose erotic interest in her, as she never lives up to the thrill of fantasy-based sexual enactments. The sense of having a person-related, intimate sexual encounter may diminish. Erotic expression between the couple can easily dry up, leaving the sexual co-addict feeling even more diminished as a woman and as a person.
Sexual co-dependents have an inordinate need to get the information straight. “Detectiving” is a common activity: checking his computer, looking up names and numbers, or desperately looking for scraps of paper with numbers written on them. One client even invited a prostitute her spouse had frequented into her home because she wanted to know the details. The need-to-know provides the partner with a way to check up on her own reality (“Am I crazy or is this really happening?”) and provides her with a sense of much-needed (although illusory) sense of mastery over an out-of-control situation. Especially in light of the addict’s continual denial, the co-addict has a need to provide “evidence” to ensure her soundness of mind — a ploy that rarely works and is exceedingly exhausting.
The final distinction between sexual co-addicts and other co-dependents is the shame associated with this “secret”. Sex as an addiction is rarely discussed in “polite society” and there is a huge social stamina associated with it. Sexually addicted clients often tell me that they’d rather be alcoholics or drug addicts. The stigmatization of this compulsion almost ensures that the sexual co-dependent will want to hide or to provide a good “front” to deal with feelings of shame and despair. She may become socially isolated because she can’t discuss the situation with friends. Depression easily enters into an emotional environment of isolation and shame. Keeping secrets about important dimensions of life ensure that the issues underlying them will not be healed.
What’s involved in therapy for someone who is the partner of a sex addict?
There is hope. The pain the sexual co-dependent experiences is normal. Learning a partner is sexually addicted can be devastating and debilitating. The betrayal triggers a myriad of strong emotions. Feelings of anguish, despair, rage, hopelessness and shame may overtake her. She may feel alone in unchartered territory, wondering “Where do I go from here?”
It’s important to know that the situation is not unique. There are many, many people who share this exact dilemma. Sexual codependents who attend either “S-Anon” or “COSA”, 12-step programs for partners of sex addicts, often feel extraordinary relief. To break the shame and isolation, it’s important to know others are going through the same thing. More seasoned members of the group, who have been grabbling with these issues for years, can be a beacon of hope for the newcomer who begins to discover how to cope with the situation and attain some measure of serenity, whether the sex addict is acting out or not.
Psychotherapy is also extremely important. Be sure to find a therapist conversant with these issues. What should happen in your therapy?
Treatment for sexual codependence can become a process of continued growth, self-realization and self-transformation. Working through feelings of victimization can lead to a new sense of resiliency. Going through this process can be an avenue to discovering meaning and to building stronger self-esteem. Challenges faced can elevate one to a higher level of well-being. A sense of serenity and peace from the appreciation of having worked through this process may occur.
Lessons not learned in the family-of-origin can be now be learned and worked through: appropriate self-esteem, setting functional boundaries, awareness of, acknowledgment of and expression of one’s personal reality without undo fear of retaliation, and taking better care of one’s adult needs and wants while allowing other adults to take care of theirs are all potential gains to be made in therapy and recovery.
Internal and external boundaries will be strengthened. Strong external boundaries will ensure that you will not again put yourself into a victim role. A sense of having internal boundaries will open up new avenues of healthy intimacy as you will know who you are and be able to hear who another is. At the heart of healthy intimacy is the ability to share your real self with another and be available when someone else shares his real self with you.
The sexual co-depenent may find she no longer needs to bend herself into a pretzel to accommodate others. Rejection or disapproval may be unpleasant, but not devastating. Compromising personal integrity in order to get external approval and validation will cease. With increased self-knowledge comes the ability to Self-validate while still being in a relationship. Self esteem will be generated by her behaviors rather than the approval or validation from others.
The choice to stay in or leave the relationship is an individual one. With therapy comes the knowledge that a fulfilling life can be crafted whether alone or in a partnership. People involved in a therapeutic process have the potential of reclaiming a sense of dignity and renewed sense of purpose even if the spouse remains active.
Finally, time and energy spent on preoccupation and control of the addict can be used to attend to emotional support for the children, to recommit to and obtain increased satisfaction from work, to meet new people, and to develop new recreational activities.
How can I possibly forgive him?
Despite the fact that it may seem impossible, forgiveness is a critical part of recovery for the partner of a sex addict. To forgive is not to forget. Forgiving means being able to remember the past without experiencing the pain all over again. It is remembering — but attaching different feelings about the events, and it is a willingness to allow the pain to have decreased relevance over time. Understanding the pain, compulsion and despair that the sex addict has undergone from sexual compulsion can open avenues to compassion.
To forgive is important primarily for oneself, not for the person one forgives. The opposite of forgiveness is resentment. When we resent, we experience the pain and anger all over again. Serenity and resentment cannot coexist.
The process of forgiveness begins with acknowledging that a wrong has been done to you. You have to recognize that you have strong feelings about what happened and you need to feel and process those feelings. You are entitled to be angry or hurt. Ideally, you can share those feelings with the person who has hurt you in couples counseling. If that is not possible, then you can share the feelings with your therapist or support group. After that, you can choose whether to stay in a relationship with that person. In either case, forgiveness does not imply permission to continue hurtful behaviors. As part of your own treatment, you need to decide which behaviors you can accept in your relationships and which you cannot.
The primary goal of forgiveness is to heal yourself. In a partnership affected by sexual addiction, forgiveness is aided by evidence of the partner’s changed behavior and commitment to treatment. These are also elements in rebuilding trust. For many couples, forgiving and learning to trust again go hand in hand. Both take time, making amends, continued treatment and steady, continual, trustworthy behavior on the part of the addict.
After the acting out has stopped, it’s critical to not use his past behavior as a “hook” to punish or manipulate him. When a desire for revenge exists, you have not forgiven, and you see him in one dimension (“Bastard”). The capacity to see him as a whole person (he’s not just a sex addict, he’s many things) will help you move forward. Couples therapy will help you move toward a sense of tolerance of his vulnerabilities, acceptance of the past and a renewed interest in him as a multidimensional person with on-going issues.
My partner refuses to go for treatment, or even to identify that he has problem. To stay in this relationship is to accept the unacceptable. Nevertheless, I’ve been unable to leave him. Why do I stay in a relationship that causes me such emotional anguish?
There may be realistic reasons why women stay in relationships despite repeated betrayals and lost of trust, mutual concern and physical compatibility. Children and finances have traditionally been two of them, although increasingly these reasons are becoming less relevant.
So, why do they stay? For some women, being in love is tantamount to being in pain. The two are indistinguishable. Obsessing about a man’s behavior, allowing it to control her emotions and behavior, realizing that it negatively influences her health and well-being, she finds herself unable to let go. Does she measure the degree of her love by the depth of her torment?
Problems from childhood rear their ugly heads when contemplating why some women masochistically stay in relationships that they find erosive to their sense of security and self-worth. The one characteristic of all dysfunctional families is the inability to talk about feelings and problems. In dysfunctional families, emotions are repressed, major aspects of reality are denied, and roles remain rigid. Children from such families learn not to believe in their own perceptions nor are they able to validate their own feelings. When the family denies a child’s psychic reality, it’s difficult them to trust their own perceptions as adults.
What comes to mind is a “Joey Bishop” episode from the 50′s wherein the wife walks in on him in bed with “a blonde” and Joey and his sexual cohort calmly get up and dressed, the woman walks out the door, and Joey denies that there ever was a woman in the room. The (typically 50′s) wife responds by not believing her own perceptions and being apologetic!!
These women become unable to discern when someone or something is not good for them. Situations and people that others would avoid as dangerous, uncomfortable, or unwholesome do not repel them because they have no way of evaluating them in a self-protective manner. They do not trust their feelings and are unable to be guided by an appropriate sense of entitled self-interest. Rather they are drawn to the dangers, intrigues, dramas and chaos that come from living with an addict.
If she comes from emotionally unavailable parents, she was never able to change her parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) for whom she longed. Subsequently, she unconsciously is drawn to an unstable, unavailable man with whom she can try to change into a loving, stable man who can give her what she lacked as a child. The ruse rarely works, and these women live in the ever-perpetuating pain and suffering that they lived in as children.
Because her emotional needs were not met in childhood, she is terrified of experiencing the kind of emotional neglect and abandonment she felt back then, and she will do almost anything to prevent a relationship from dissolving. Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, she is willing to wait, hope, try harder, and give more chances to a partner that has betrayed her many times over. She may try harder to please him sexually, believing that it is her own deficiency that caused his sex addiction in the first place. In her relationship, she is much more in touch with her dream of how it could be rather than with dealing with the reality of what is. She may be addicted to men and to emotional pain. By becoming enmeshed in a situation that is chaotic, uncertain and emotionally painful, she can avoid focusing on her responsibility to herself, as her family of origin did not provide a role model for guiltless self-care. Alternatively, the highs and drama of life with a sex addict may forestall the experience of deep-seated depression. She may have never been attracted to men who were kind, stable, faithful and reliable. Such men may have been experienced as “boring”.
I’m incredibly frustrated that he/she won’t tell the truth. Even when I present “evidence”, he denies his sexual acting out. How can I ever trust a man who so blatantly lies to me?
Sex addiction thrives in secrecy. Addicts will go to any length to protect their double life. Denial, (“Don’t Even Know I’m Lying”) plays a huge part in any addiction process. The reality of the acting out is protected from the conscious mind. If the addict is unaware of the truth, how can he tell you?
The very thinking process of the addict becomes impaired as he becomes immersed in the denial process, giving way to the minimization of the extent of his behavior. This connects with “rationalization”: i.e. “I’m not really cheating” – “All guys do this” – “I’m not hurting anyone” – “I work hard so I deserve some pleasure.” This combination of denial, minimization and rationalization makes it extremely difficult for him to know the truth.
More complexing is the phenomenon of “dissociation”, or “The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” syndrome. Dissociation is a clinical process that characterizes multiple personality disorder. While I’m not saying the sex addicts have MPD, I am suggesting that some of the same characteristics of that disorder are shared. One side of the personality protects the other side from the truth. Some level of dissociation is in every man who has a “double life”. Each side of the personality has different values, goals, beliefs and needs that conflict with the other side.
This is why, when the sexual acting out is finished, the addict feels so distressed and shameful. Mr. Hyde does the acting out and Dr. Jekyll experiences the remorse.
When the addict is acting out, he has feelings of being disconnected from himself and his environment. Clients speak of “the bubble”, the “erotic haze”, “zoning out”, and “feeling apart from myself and watching myself from afar “, of feeling “foggy” or “not feeling like a real person” Losing track of time is common as is feeling outside oneself as both an observer and a participant. Emotions are numbed; the fantasy creates an alternate reality which obscures the truth of “what is”.
Once in therapy, a primary issue that arises is a feeling of a fragmented sense of self or being unsure of his identity. Therapy will help him get to the bottom of hidden parts of himself that he may not have fully understood or been able to control until treatment starts to work. Only by getting in touch with hidden parts of himself will the full realization of his talents and strengths be realized and fulfillment in his personal relationships can begin to unfold.
I don’t see how our relationship can survive the emotional pain and chaos of his sexual addiction. Have other couples been able to work through these issues? How have they done it?
When at least one member of a couple is sexually addicted, restoring trust and building intimacy can be very difficult. These couples must work as hard on their recovery together as a couple as they do on their individual recoveries.
One of the great challenges to recovery from sexual compulsivity is restoring or building an intimate relationship with a committed partner. Many existing relationships are seriously impaired and often don’t survive because of sexual acting out. The partner of the sex addict’s ability to trust is obviously damaged. The psychodynamic and behavioral issues underlying sexual addiction contribute to obstacles to overcoming and building intimate and committed relationships.
The good news is that we have seen from our experience that not only is it possible to repair, rebuild, or newly build a committed relationship, but the level of emotional and physical intimacy that comes from working on these issues together is sustaining, gratifying and growth-producing for each member of the couple.
What is effective in the process of healing and building?
To fix a marriage that has been damaged by sexual addiction, the first step
is to discover what’s been broken. The process of repair is a journey that both
partners must choose to undertake together, as well as separately. Self inventory is
an inescapable feature of the process. Studies of couples who have achieved success
have shown their willingness to ask themselves certain questions:
How committed am I to this relationship?
Do I want to find out what a healthy sexual partnership is?
Am I willing to take the risk of being truly vulnerable to my partner?
Can I face my own interior issues to develop my own personal growth?
A faithful, honest, monogamous sexual relationship with my partner – is
this what I really want? Is this my goal?
A strong commitment to the marriage and a desire to learn and experience a healthy
sexual relationship with the spouse are essential for recovery. For clarity, two definitions
are helpful. The sex addict is the partner who has been engaging in compulsive
extramarital activities. The sexual co addict is the sex addict’s partner, sometimes
identified as a relationship addict.
Next, the major “breaks” in the damaged marriage need to be identified. The first and
greatest casualty is invariably lost trust. The co- addict has feelings of anger as a result of being betrayed. The addict feels guilt and shame as a result of hurting and betraying the spouse. Re-establishing mutual trust must be actively addressed and worked on in treatment. Forgiveness and opening up to being vulnerable again are necessary ingredients for rebuilding lost trust.
Another “break” in a sex addiction-damaged marriage is the loss of honest communication. The addict has been hiding his acting out with compulsive sexual behaviors, so that deception has become a part of daily married life. The partner of the sex addict, on the other hand, has suspicions, yet avoids confronting the addict and hides her fears.
Self-blame, feeling responsible for the addict’s secret sexual behaviors, and even blaming
herself for all of the marriage’s problems are some typical reasons for not discussing their issues.
Thus, both partners keep themselves isolated in their emotions. Problems in their own
sexual relationship – a central “break” to be fixed – are rooted in certain core beliefs
that they hold. The addict’s main core belief is that sex is his most important need. The
partner of the sex addict’s main core belief is that sex is the most important sign of love.
Two more “breaks” in the marriage can be traced to communication breakdown and loss
of trust. Neither spouse has effective conflict-resolution skills. Also, both of them have
difficulty setting boundaries on what sexual behaviors they can accept and where they
insist on drawing the line.
Be encouraged because there are a variety of places you can go. First, find a therapist conversant with these issues. Couples report that isolation is their number one enemy. Take the first bold step with your spouse to open up and talk with each other. Acknowledge there are problems and you both want to resolve them. Then look into the self-help available to you. There are 12- step programs for the sex addict and for the sexual codependent.. There are also 12- step programs for couples. All of these groups emulate the Alcoholics Anonymous model, which emphasizes the importance of peer support and identification with others who have gone through what you’ve gone through.
You need to break out of the burden of isolation you’ve placed on yourself due to feelings of guilt and shame. Bringing it into the open and sharingwith other sympathetic couples is invaluable. In couples counseling you’ll discuss subjects that impact your relationships in major ways. Some of these are the renewal of trust, how to work on your communication skills for problem solving, and how to really listen to each other without disapproval.
Be open to understanding that you both will do well when you accept the need for
patience. Recovery, after all, is a process. Just as the problems you are experiencing
didn’t evolve in ten minutes, keep in mind that healing requires a commitment of time.
Recovering couples stress this, and emphasize that they maintain a positive outlook
because they feel good along the way. They know they are empowering themselves
and learning self esteem.
Couples who have participated in therapy, plus 12 step programs for the addict, the partner of the addict, plus the couples’ 12 step groups, have demonstrated a very good success rate.
There is one essential tool you can avail yourself of, and that is seeking treatment with a professional who specializes in sex addiction treatment. Joint professional counseling will enhance your personal recovery. Devoting yourselves to self-discovery together is a choice that will yield excellent results in time.
And remember this – once you choose to take the journey, you will begin to experience
many rewards along the road. One of them is an ever increasing personal freedom in your
spirit. You will discover strengths you never knew you were capable of, and courage you
never knew you had. It is possible for you and your spouse to have a loving, intimate, sexual relationship despite having been through the trauma of active sex addiction.
How can couples counseling help us?
Most couples who come for couples therapy after discovery are in a high state of reactivity, with communication being limited to blame/defense. There is a high degree of projection (seeing the things you like least about yourself in your partner) and a small degree of self-focus. The tendency is to react immediately and emotionally, with no time given for reflective thinking. One task of the therapist is to create a safe, non-volatile space by gradually guiding each person to commit to self-focus which reduces blame and defense.
The therapist will do some psychoeducational pieces on sex addiction and co-addiction to normalize each person’s feelings and further reduce blame. Nothing can be done about the quality of the marriage unless each person commits to a personal program of recovery: an “S” meeting for the addict, and COSA or S-Anon for the co-addict. The couple can come out of the shadow of shame about living with sex addiction through identifying with others who have gone through similar experiences. Here, finally, they find people they can talk to about what they’ve been hiding from family and friends. Regular attendance at meetings gives structure and accountability to the life of the sex addict. A co-addict who works on the steps with a trusted sponsor is renewing her commitment to focus on herself and her own issues, renouncing her focus and pre-occupation with the addict.
Sex addicts and sexual codependents usually have never experienced healthy bonding with and nurturing from their parents. This impairs their ability to have successful bonding and separation in subsequent relationships in adult life. The therapist might construct a “genogram” which is a graphic depiction of three generations of each person’s family. It shows psychiatric and physical problems throughout the generations such as alcoholism, divorce, hospitalizations,etc. The genogram also reveals the quality of family relationships, indicating where there was enmeshment and where there was distancing. With a clear understanding of family-of-origin issues, the couple can understand themselves and each other and develop awareness of what triggers are coming from the past.
Couples counseling enables the couple to reach a point of mutual interdependence in which both partners have lives outside of the relationship, but also feel committed to it. The partners need each other, but are comfortable with independent lives of their own. Over time, each develops a new sense of “Self”-in relationship.
Couples counseling facilitates reaching this state of mutual interdependence. Both members of the relationship are encouraged to accept mutual responsibility for the dysfunction in the relationship. As long as one partner is blaming the other for all of their couple problems, progress will be slow. Recounting the history of the relationship will be a part of this process. How have each other’s addictions and co-addictions affected the relationship? What consequences have been experienced? What strategies have the partners tried to heal themselves that haven’t worked? What are the repetitive arguments and fights? What is the nature of the collective shame in the relationship? How does each partner trigger the other’s issues?
Each person needs to acknowledge that they will repeat the mistakes of their previous relationships if they don’t consider the dysfunctional characteristics each one brings from the past. Exploring psychodynamic wounds in each other will be a part of the process.
Each individual in the couple learns how to exchange instant gratification for the joy of ongoing intimacy. Sexual addict/codependents find that this intimacy and the trust, mutual understanding, and the emotional/spiritual/physical closeness it creates from having done the work can be qualities that few couples ever experience.
Dorothy C. Hayden, LCSW
www.sextreatment.com
Dorothy Hayden, LCSW, is a Manhattan-based psychotherapist. Phone sessions are available. Other articles can be seen on www.sextreatment.com
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Discovery of your inner infinite potential by Performance to Potential
In the present age of information technology explosion may interest one to know that there is even more information on one topic — God. Even God would be surprised and amused at this! God reigns supreme, whether or not we believe in His existence. The atheists endorse it by not believing and the believers by surrendering to God. The former do it by disproving His existence and the latter by trying to establish it.
The question that therefore arises is, “Does God really exist?” Believers take the knowledge in the Vedas or the scriptures of other religions, as their support, whereas the non-believers are sustained by their own logic. But logic is a peculiar thing — it can be used both to support and nullify and is, in the end, inconclusive. Even in a court of law, mere arguments are never entertained without supporting evidence.
People generally have a concept or idea of God, which may or may not be commonly accepted. It is this notion that they refute and hence their arguments cannot be accepted. A systematic approach would be to refer to the scriptures or books that refer to the word God, check its use and find out how it has been defined.
The Upanishads refer to God as Ishvara, Bhagavan, Brahman and so on. They explain the concept and if, after studying these books, we conclude that we do not believe in God, it is acceptable. Both believers and non-believers need to have clarity of the concept.
The Taittiriya Upanishad says, “That from which all beings are born, that by which all beings are sustained and that unto which they merge back is Brahman”.
This beautiful statement means that if there is a creation, a product or effect, the effect must have a cause. Everyone has to accept this. There may be a dispute about the nature of the cause. Something cannot come out of nothing. So if the whole creation is the effect, there has to be something in the origin, a cause. Something exists and that self-evident being has to be accepted. It is this existence or pure being which is God.
Let us examine this point without taking recourse to the Upanishads. Take the example of government officers, ministers or secretaries. Each officer has the power to do so many things. They are all part of the collective government power.
The government is not seen, but its decisions are implemented through these functionaries, who function because of the total power of the government. Even the peon in the office, wielding the power allocated to him, proves the existence of the government.
These days we have several workshops and seminars taking place with very catchy titles. One such title, which is drawing much interest, is “P to P” (Performance to Potential). Every person has infinite potential. Despite this we find that some people succeed and some fail. The reason is that they do not work to their potential. What is this potential? Do we know the potential of the earth, the water, the sun or other energies? Their potential is infinite. That infinite potential is called God.
Now that we know He exists, the next logical question is — Can I realise God? This could also read — Can I realise or manifest my infinite potential? We are continuously manifesting some of our potential and therefore we are able to achieve what we want. So the answer is — Yes, you can realise God! And if one is able to, the true end of all human aspirations is gained.
Factually, it is my consistent effort to help everyone with virtually and physically for the better living with peace and harmony around World without hatred, exploitation corruption.
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Creation Process Meditation: Manifesting Infinite Possibilities through Intention
The following meditation will assist you in understanding the creation process. We will begin by entering the realm of inner silence. Take time now to walk through this doorway by quieting your inner mind. Let go the worries of the day. Pay attention to you breathing as you go into a state of relaxation. Build an attitude of gratitude by paying attention to the blessings in your life. Give thanks to yourself for the good deeds you have done to others. Know you are loved beyond measure.
You have now entered the realm of silence. This is a place of no thing and no time. All around you are swirls of energy, each with the ability to become any thing that you desire. This is the place of infinite possibilities. With your clear intention, you can set into motion the objects of your desire.
We in the “angelic” realms are masters at pulling this energy from the “ethers” and molding them into form, including that which you call space and time. Have you ever experienced driving a car or being involved in a project and time seems to go very quickly? Have you ever been in a traumatic situation and time seemed to slow to a near stop? Have you ever wanted something so badly then it came to you in a magical way? Have you ever witnessed a miracle healing after a person or group of people prayed for the healing to occur? Have you ever lost your keys then unexpectedly knew where they were, even if they were in a place you know didn’t leave them?
These experiences and many others are the result of our ability to manipulate the energy fields to help create your reality. You too have the ability to do this. Most of you have “forgotten” how to do this, due to the state of amnesia that was required for you upon entering this incarnation. However, times have changed and the veils between the “seen” and the “unseen” worlds are becoming thinner.
Many children today are arriving with the memory of their prior existence in the spirit realm. These children have amazing abilities. Some are very intuitive and psychic while others have incredible knowledge related to such things as computers, music and art. Many can see spirits on the “other” side; most are telepathic. If these abilities are nurtured, these children will be able to reach their full potential at very early ages.
The earth is currently “in crisis.” All of the manmade structures relating to government and religion are on the edge of collapse. The restructuring process can be done gracefully or torn apart rapidly then rebuilt; the choice is up to the people. There are many who walk among you with the ability to restructure with a state of grace. They have incredible knowledge of the inner workings of the creation process.
Many of these people are now in their 30′s. They are the forerunners and parents of the children currently incarnating with fuller memory of life on other planets as well as knowledge of the spirit realm from which all of us have come. They are not “saviors,” they like you are one cog in the machinery. However, each cog is of utmost importance to keep the gears gliding smoothly.
The generations of people who are now in their 40-80′s allowed those in government and corporate positions to define their world. Personal power was given to those “in control” to the point that now most of you are little more than slaves to the system. It is time to regain your power and to allow yourself to blossom to your full potential. This will take time, effort and courage to re-mold yourself into what you would like to be.
We would like to encourage you to take time daily to silence your outer world and to dare to dream your life into being. Call on your angelic helpers any time of day or night. In our realm, there is no sleep, as you know it. Time does not exist. We can be in many places at the same time. No matter is too insignificant or too immense; we are here to serve your every need. It gives us great joy to help you experience any thing your heart desires.
Many of us have never incarnated on earth. In one sense, we live “through” you; you are our eyes and ears. Living on earth is not an easy task; we admire those of you who chose this route. Before you incarnated, you made contracts with some of us who remained on the other side of the veil. Many of us, such as the Mayan Day Keepers and Archangels are general overseers of the “bigger” picture. We were part of the original designers and creators of this universe. We know the inner workings and are quite capable of literally creating something out of “thin air.”
This universe was set up with the law of “free will.” We will not do anything against your will, although there are “tricksters” who are capable of luring you down paths that may lead you to undesirable goals. It is your choice to decide what it is you wish to experience. We cannot help you achieve these goals unless you ask for our assistance.
There may have been times when you received something you wanted without consciously asking or praying for it. When these things occur, it generally is because it was a deep desire, often on a subconscious level. Many times, humans want something very badly, but for a variety of reasons, they don’t feel they can attain it, so no formal prayers or requests are made. However, we on the angelic realms can “read” your energy signatures.
Be it known that every thought you have and every desire you contemplate manifests itself into form. When it is a fleeting thought with little passion energizing it, the thought form floats by like a small wisp of smoke. At times, these little wisps may bump into a like-minded wisp and cling together for a while. However, when thoughts energized by passion collide into each other, they stick together, creating an opportunity to manifest into something physical.
This is how the world as you know it was created. Initially, a large group of souls brainstormed or “thought” this universe into existence.
They decided how it would operate and were given a “time period” for its existence. Every thing was carefully designed; the symbiotic relationship between all things was chosen. For final fun, many of the creators decided to allow a portion of their Selves to enter into the realm and be a part of it. Most chose to come as humans: many have experienced lifetimes as animals and some have even come to experience being a blade of grass!
The creation of this universe is indeed very much like a group of people writing a play, creating the plot, designing the sets and musical accompaniments then playing the roles as the actors. What you are witnessing now is the final stage of the play. What will happen next is the tearing down of the scenery and a re-writing of the plot. In order to create the next play more economically and with less effort, the set designers may use the same materials with nothing more than fresh paint and a few new screws.
As you re-create your governmental and corporate policies, you can either throw the systems out completely or re-write policies that service the good of all. We are here to support whatever it is you wish. Our main goal at this time is to assist each of you in remembering your true “roots” as spiritual beings. Once you understand how the creation process works, it will be much easier to make the changes you wish to see. This can be done literally in the “twinkling of an eye.”
However, let it be known that chaos will still reign as long as there continues to be factions on the “good” side as well as the “bad” side. What is of utmost importance is that each of you fully understands that in order to have “heaven on earth” you must learn the basic skills of unconditional love and respect for each other and every aspect of reality, including all of nature.
What we wish to impart to you today is to find ways to create peace and harmony every moment of your day, no matter what frustrations are presented to you. As you learn more of the dishonesty and treachery imposed upon you from those in places of authority, it is imperative that you quickly move from anger to compassion. The energy of love flows freely; fear and anger glop together and can cause extensive problems.
Although these leaders may be deemed as “bad,” they are of utmost importance for this play. How long would you go to plays if there were no drama or angst? If all plays were “airy-fairy” and “lovey dovey,” they would soon bore you. It is likely that audiences would clamor for more “good guy-bad guy” drama.
Before any worlds were created, all existed in a state of perfect love. There was no sense of time or space. All that existed were like wispy clouds, floating in and out. There was no such thing as being an individual, all simply was One. There came a time when the essence of One wanted to experience “More” and through many eons, innumerable episodes of “Separateness, Individuality and Not-Love” have been experienced.
It is important to understand that in order to experience “Not Love,” some that are only “Love” choose to become the “Not Love” actors. We recommend reading Neale Donald Walsch’s children’s book entitled “The Little Soul and the Sun.” This parable can assist you in better understanding the creation of your world and the importance of not judging others as “good” or “bad” or “less or better than” others.
We encourage you to take time each day to go within yourself and ask for guidance to better understand the laws of your universe. You will be guided to books, videos, websites and people that can assist you in understanding more about your world. Follow your intuition and allow yourself to walk along the path of discovery. Know that no thing you do is “wrong” or “bad.” All you do is simply an experience.
Know that these experiences are recorded in your body as well as in the history books of your universe. They are not recorded to place judgment on you; they exist to be accessed by others who may want to watch your “movie” without personally experiencing all that you went through. Would you rather watch a war movie or actually be a soldier on the front line? Would you prefer to be an Olympic athlete and go through the rigorous training or simply watch the games on television?
Each of you is living a unique existence. All of you are operating on different levels of understanding and awareness. Any of you who are aware of the “Akashic Records” is able to temporarily live any experience you desire through another’s experience. All of you on earth, in every moment is writing and living a unique play that can be enjoyed by others. You are each a unique teaching guide, for others can watch and learn from what you experience. Just as you learn from your experiences (touch something hot and you get burned), others can watch your “movie” and make choices regarding what they would like to experience.
These records have existed for eons and are invaluable to those who wish to leave the “Oneness” and “Individuate.” As you read this, you may feel there is an invasion of privacy or feel “creepy” that others can view you at any time. We wish to let you know that we are not “peeping toms” and there is no judgment being placed on you.
Before coming to earth, you made various contracts. You may have chosen to close your records to anyone other than yourself. You may have allowed your spirit guides to have access to your records. Your neighbor cannot peek into your records and spy on you. Access is only permitted by those your Higher Self and the Keepers of the Records allow.
It may be hard for you to fully understand the Records and how they operate, but in time you will re-member and know how to access them for your personal gain. Our main message for today is to encourage you to go within often and learn ways to remain in a state of peace and harmony so that you can make better choices when it comes to creating the world you wish to live in. So much is possible and we look forward to the day when each of you is living in a state of joy and creating at a conscious level.
We so much enjoy working with you and celebrate those moments when another of you begins to create from a conscious level, with the goal of attaining perfect love while in the human form. Call on us at any time, for any thing great or small. We are with you always and have highest admiration for each and every one of you. Be kind to the animals and all beings on earth, for they literally could be someone who once walked the earth as someone you knew and loved!
To read excerpts from Theresa Crabtree’s book entitled,”The Mayan Tzolk’in Calendar: A Daily Guide to Self-Empowerment” or to sign up to receive free weekly messages, please visit her website at: http://www.t-a-d-a.com
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Importance of Virtual Server Management In Everyday Companies
Today, for every successful business there has to be virtualization of servers as it leads to better utilization of time, lower investment, low usage of power, lower cooling costs and provides for dynamic resource allocation. The division of a single physical server to multiple servers is called as virtualization and with virtual server management the capability of any operating system and its hardware is enhanced and doubled. Previously, the standard web server used to have the configuration of one computer unit per server but with advancement in technology there has been a need to maximize resources and thus today we have one main dedicated server with several virtual servers co-existing independently.
virtual server management essentially entails analyzing and maintaining resources to ensure high fidelity connections throughout the network. The performance of the server is always under check and allocation of the number of virtual servers to the main server is always tackled and analyzed for smooth performance of the system. Though virtual servers have advantages but one must always be sure that the virtual servers never extend their limited numbers. Putting all connections via one server would seriously disrupt the system and affect speed of the websites if they are not properly managed. To prevent such disruptions virtual server management ensures that virtual servers are evenly spaced and given their rightful allocation for optimum speed and performance without impeding the speed of the main server.
virtual server management also looks into the performance of the server. With the help of various performance tools issues of traffic, speed and security that could affect the server, clients and the end users are easily addressed and resolved. An image of the system is created with all the routers, networks and connections so that any glitch that might occur in the system could be immediately addressed. Several companies are dedicated to serve the clients and if the end users cannot access the websites then it would seriously affect their business. To prevent anything of this sort from happening, virtual server managers are constantly working to find better ways to control the virtual servers and adjust them to the main server without causing any disruptions or failure in the system.
The advantages of virtual servers are far reaching. A virtual hosted server allows a huge number of applications and operating systems to be run on the single server without disrupting or mismanaging any individual server. Most businesses are now opting for virtual servers as it cuts down their cost of web site hosting and also allows them to move workloads from one virtual workspace to another without disrupting their business. It also allows them to run their own operating system on separate systems and reboot independently of the main server. The best part of virtual server management is that it allows the company to choose the operating system to install and also cuts down on the hardware required for the machines.
Lastly, virtual server management is a fantastic technological discovery that must be taken advantage of by every business entity. Organizations that want to segregate work and operate autonomously over a single divided server must definitely opt for virtual servers.
For all your requirements of 24×7 Virtual server management, server security, remote server management, for Windows and Linux servers – contact us now – http://www.24x7servermanagement.com/
I am a Microsoft Certified Professional. I conduct Training and Certification Guidance for Microsoft .Net Certification Courses through my training institute-Sierra Infotech. I also own and manage a SEO Company and article Directory.
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